The 6 months that have gone by with Jace have been sooooo special and fun. He is so smiley and already has a sense of humor. Beneath all of that has been a really difficult struggle for me, and it is what I call:
THE GREAT FEEDING FIASCO
Feeding my baby (or trying to) has been a difficult thing, something that I did not expect. Babies eat, right? That's their job.
When you arrive at the hospital and the blonde nurse is setting everything up, she asks you "Now are you going to bottle feed or breast feed?" You say "breast feed" and she writes that up on the white board with your room/nurse information and your heart flutters.
I knew breast feeding was hard: I read about it, heard about it, and even saw for my own eyes with my sister's experience. But nobody really tells you that there is this secret group of babies that like, can never do it. NEVER. This secret group of babies whose oral motor function is, put in the kindest way possible to my sweet baby: messed up.
I knew breast feeding was hard: I read about it, heard about it, and even saw for my own eyes with my sister's experience. But nobody really tells you that there is this secret group of babies that like, can never do it. NEVER. This secret group of babies whose oral motor function is, put in the kindest way possible to my sweet baby: messed up.
It's impossible to try and regurgitate all that has happened as a lot of it I've logged back in the "too traumatic to want to remember" part of my brain, but here is my best to put it as simply as possible.
- All attempts to nurse from day one = baby screaming, turning away, instantly falling asleep/playing dead, total aversion to chest area
- Using nipple shield but getting nothing/milk leaking everywhere
- Using SNS with supplement, going to two lactation consultants.
- Lactation consultant said I have "fluffy boobs" to keep trying, go to Le Leche League meetings/mentoring from them
- Pumping every 3 hours so baby can get milk
- 6 weeks of trying to breast feed, each attempt damaging to my spirit and traumatizing to baby and unsuccessful.
- With a bottle, baby still dribbled and choked
- Enter reflux
- He of course, never could latch
I thought it was me: not enough skin to skin, introduced binky/bottle too early, tried too much, didn't try enough, etc. etc. etc....
ENTER JULIE, INTERNATIONAL BOARD CERTIFIED LACTATION CONSULTANT
- 4 consultations with her, she is amazing
- Baby has tongue tie and upper lip tie, needs upper lip frenectomy by renowned dentist in Lehi that has a non-invasive laser (no recovery required). We hesitate, but no wonder he couldn't get a good seal on me or a bottle.
- By this time my nipples are a cross between the moon and a raspberry...I have forgotten what healthy nipples look like...I am tempted to google "healthy nipples".
- Using creams, oils, herbs to help my damaged moon/raspberry nipples
AFTER 12 WEEKS, I DECIDE TO STOP ATTEMPTING TO BREAST FEED AND EXCLUSIVELY PUMP
WE GET TONGUE AND LIP TIE REVISED
As baby still has trouble even drinking from a bottle
- Dentist says there is something wrong with baby's tongue, but he doesn't know what it is. It doesn't respond properly to stimuli and he doesn't suck normally
- Procedure improves baby's seal over bottle much better, but doesn't solve everything
- He (and Julie) suggest therapy with Dr. Kristina to help with tongue function
ENTER IN DR KRISTINA IN MURRAY
- 10+ sessions with her, discovers his gag reflex is out of this world.
- He slightly improves
- Baby is going down the scale on weight percentile
BACK TO NOW:
I am still exclusively pumping, and I feel so blessed to be able to pump enough for Jace's needs, and luckily I no longer have to do it every 3 hours. 6 months of exclusive pumping is sometimes the absolute worst. My nipples are still pretty not normal looking.
Not being able to breast feed hurts. Really bad. This whole process has been incredibly traumatizing. It would make life SO much easier, I wouldn't have to get up in the middle of the night and go warm up a bottle, etc. I wouldn't have to spend hours in my day sitting and pumping. I wouldn't have to stay up late so pumping wasn't the last thing I do right before bed. I could do whatever I wanted in the morning instead of going straight to the pump. I try and not think about it, but when I see selfies of people breast feeding or saying "boo ya baby drained me in under 10 minutes" I'm not going to lie, it secretly stings. Owie. I'm really jealous of you.
Not being able to breast feed hurts. Really bad. This whole process has been incredibly traumatizing. It would make life SO much easier, I wouldn't have to get up in the middle of the night and go warm up a bottle, etc. I wouldn't have to spend hours in my day sitting and pumping. I wouldn't have to stay up late so pumping wasn't the last thing I do right before bed. I could do whatever I wanted in the morning instead of going straight to the pump. I try and not think about it, but when I see selfies of people breast feeding or saying "boo ya baby drained me in under 10 minutes" I'm not going to lie, it secretly stings. Owie. I'm really jealous of you.
Jace does better on a bottle, can still be a little finicky, but it's better! And the best part of all, to my pleasant surprise (after his pediatrician saying he was doubtful this would work well):
We gave him solids, and so far so good! I am thrilled that finally something related to feeding him is looking bright! We love him so so much!
Di, you're the best mom! Look at all you've done to help Jace! So sorry for your heartache. I do have to say I burst out laughing when I read, "fluffy boobs"! So happy Jace is doing well with solids. Love you!
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